..and I think the only acceptable treatment is living my life to the absolute fullest.
For those who don't know, FOMO stands for "fear of missing out" and usually refers to a concern that one might miss an opportunity or event. It is often exacerbated by seeing others posting on social media. I though am thinking about it in a more general sense, not even regarding what others are doing or are posting online.
It has been a month since I've opened this blog post (and even longer since I first started writing this). A large part of this is because I am a walking example of the words I am writing.. In the last month I have had two different people visit me, I have taken a girls trip to Boston, and ventured out to Vegas for a quick weekend trip. I am such a "yes" girl, and as tiring as it sometimes is to live a life that is always go-go-go, it is oh so fun collecting all of these adventures with so many wonderful people.
I think that I have truly solidified this mentality through my experiences as a nurse. Most specifically, I think back to my Hopkins contract that I took this time last year (which is also when I initially started writing this post.. I told you it had been a while!). The second month of the contract was quite a heavy month, for the whole unit really. We lost two patients in less than a week ..one of whom we all kinda saw coming, but let's be real, that doesn't ever make it any easier. (Let's be even more real, losing someone at all is never easy.)
I had the privilege of taking care of both of these individuals. The first was actually one of my very first patients of the contract. I had also taken care of him again the shift immediately before he passed. In fact, I still remember saying, "goodnight, I'll see you in the morning," just two and a half hours before he passed. Coming back to work the next morning to find out he had suddenly and unexpectedly, but very peacefully, passed was so heavy to hear. I wasn't even sure that I was going to write a blog post about this because it was still hard to think about it a month later (and clearly was too hard because the post sat in the drafts for many more months). I can only imagine how it feels for the people he was closest with. It definitely helps put life into perspective though.
The second patient, the one we all kinda saw coming, was my guy. I was his nurse almost every shift for like three straight weeks. We got our days down to quite a routine where I would let him sleep in and usually save his med pass for last, after I saw him taking laps in the hall. Every time I brought in a med, I was also bringing two cups, one of water and one of just ice. Bath and linen change happened later in the shift and I'd sneak in sometime in the last hour and quietly see how far I could get into his lab draw before he noticed me there (usually he was napping at this point, I'm not thaaat invisible). He told me about the time he spent living in San Diego and Seattle and we'd often comment on what a small world it was with my goals (at the time) to travel to both of those places.
That expression, "it's a small world," is so interesting to me, on account of it's actually a rather large world. I will go my whole life and will only truly experience a very small percentage of it. Somehow, though, my world overlaps with other people's worlds all the time and in the most intriguing ways. I suppose I am seeing a little more of the world than most get a chance to, especially as a travel nurse, but sheesh, I have these sorts of "oh, no way!" kind of moments all the time these days.
Travel nursing has become quite popular, but non-travel nurses (aka patients and their visitors) often still have lots of questions when I tell them that I'm a travel nurse. The first is usually, "where are you from?" or "where is home for you?" which I follow with --at this point-- a rehearsed answer explaining where I'm from, where I've been and where I want to go next (some shifts I say it so often that I think I should just have it as a recording). Inevitably, this is followed up with some sort of story with how their brother in law's cousin's best friend's neighbor used to live in one of the places I've mentioned.. or something like that. It's also often followed with a praise on how they think I'm doing the greatest thing for my career and life right now.. and how if get were in my shoes they'd be doing the same thing. That's always a reassuring comment, especially as I'm sitting here constantly stressing about what is happening next.
I am ultimately very grateful that I have the privilege to stress about what is happening next. In the lightest way possible, I am SO glad that I am still alive and even have a "next."
Switching away from that light, I'll share that back in November, I received the devastating news that one of my dear friends from college died by suicide. Even more unfortunately, I found this out while working at the hospital, a place that knows death all to well. In my almost 6 years of being a nurse, I have only personally had a few of my own patients pass during my shift, most of whom were on hospice or comfort care meaning they knew that they are at the end of their life and instead of pursuing more treatment for their diagnosis, they peruse comfort and let us help them pass with medications and other measures. That doesn't, however, make their passing any easier to witness. Death is never easy. And the grief that follows is definitely not easy.
I truly hope that you make it through to my next shift. You matter. A lot. To a lot of people. And don't you DARE forget that.
Sorry, didn't mean to raise my voice at you, I just really need you to understand that if you're reading this, whether you found it randomly or know me personally and clicked on the link in my story or from my post or however you got here.. you matter.
I think I constantly try to remind myself of this fact as well, which is why I sit in that camp of fearing that I am going to miss out on something. I recognize that I am a people pleaser and have such a hard time saying no, but then I scroll back through my phone and look at all the photos of all the adventures I've been on and all the fun things I've gotten to experience and am so incredibly glad I've said yes so much. (you wanna see some? oh twist my arm...)
I think it truly boils down to the fact that I'd rather be exhausted than be bored. I wouldn't trade this fast paced life that I've chosen for myself. While I definitely do think I'm trying more and more to find moments to slow down, fill my cup back up, and recuperate so that I can continue to run around at full speed collecting memories, I sure do love living this life. (and I like living it next to you, so would you keep doing you AND keep sharing it with me so I can continue to cheer your adventures on from up close or afar or whatever.. and if you're ever looking for something to do or looking for a reason to keep going, just let me know, I'll do something with ya!!!)
***Furthermore, if you're looking for someone to talk to and don't feel comfortable reaching out to me, call the suicide hotline at 988. Alternatively, text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor.***
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